No One Wants to Be Paralyzed

There are certain Bible passages that I tend to go to a lot.

One of these is the story of the man who is paralyzed and his friends let him down through the roof into a crowded place where Jesus heals him.

I have put myself in this Bible passage multiple times. For this one I like to really use Ignatian Contemplation.

I can see the crowds. I can hear Jesus preaching. I am on top of the roof and it is really hot outside.

Put yourself in that situation. Right now. Practice using Ignatian Contemplation with this passage before you read any further. Mark 2.

Smell the smells, drink it in, soak in the moment.


After reading this passage through many times over a period of several months, someone asked me...

"Who were you?" 

"Were you the paralytic?"

Then I realized that in all that reading of this passage, I had always put myself in as one of the people on the roof. I was always the one lowering my freind down so they could recieve healing.

I was never the one recieving healing. Never, not once.


Then, I realized that I didn't want to be the person on the mat.

As a person, I want to help others. I want others to receive healing. I want others to become better. I want my friends to reach their fullest potential. As a serious empath, I feel when my friends are suffering and I want them to be healed.

I have struggles like everyone. I have areas where I desperately need healing. I know about these areas and yet I had never put myself in the story as a the person on the mat.


I need healing and I know that, but I do not want to be the person who is broken. None of us do. We shrink away from our own brokenness. I would rather tell you about all the struggles I have had. Not the struggles that I have now.

I am relatively comfortable telling you I used to have a eating disorder. Telling you I suffer from anxiety and depression now is another story however.


We do not want to be in need of healing so we pretend we are not. Even to ourselves.

I would love to tell you about the healing I have received, how I am all better.

But that is not the truth.


The truth is that as humans we are scared of vulnerability. We are scared of being hurt. We are scared of showing someone else our gaping wounds. We are scared of showing our brokenness.

I do not want to admit my own brokenness, my own need of healing. That is why I never put myself as the man on the mat. I'd rather just pretend that I'm just fine and go on lying to myself, my friends, and even God.

Only the truth is that He knows.


No matter how much I pretend that I do not need healing, that I am totally fine, He knows. God knows how much I need his healing.

He knows and all He wants to do is heal me. He wants me to be the man on the mat.


I know all of this and yet I am not healed. I do not know how or when he wants to heal me. I do know that he has given me my struggles for a reason, so that I can help others.

I do know that God knows my struggle and more than anything else He wants to be with me in my struggle. He just wants me to acknowledge that I am hurting so I can acknowledge just how much He desperately wants to be with me in my struggle.

I do not know the mind of the Healer or the ways that He works. But I do know that He is with me, by my side every step of the way.


I was talking to a friend about all my struggles one day and he told me, "It might not feel like this, but God is closer to you now than ever before."


So... when you feel like the man on the mat, remember that.

God is closer to you now than ever before.


Be not Afraid.
~Emily