Choosing Love

I don't always want to be holy.


I don't think anybody does ALL the time. Everyone has days, minutes, moments where they'd rather not do the right thing. It's hard, it's painful, and it's just not always fun.


I struggle a lot with feelings. I allow them to dictate my thoughts and moods in a ridiculous way. I allow them to tell me who I am, even when they're lying.

There are days when I simply don't feel like being holy. I feel like walking away and doing what I want. I feel like it's all for nothing, that it's not worth it and I'm wasting my time. There are days when I feel like God's not there, and if He is He doesn't care. Sometimes I feel like He's not fair and it's His fault and I don't want anything to do with Him.

And sometimes that's okay.


It's okay to feel like that. It's okay to struggle with your faith and to wonder why you even bother.

It's okay to feel like walking away; it's not okay to do it.


One time, in the middle of one of these moments in my life, one of my youth leaders said this to me:

"Faith is not about feelings; it's about fidelity."
 

It's so true. Just because I don't feel like being a good person every waking moment doesn't mean I'm a bad person. At the end of the day, it all boils down to a single resolution...

I decide to be holy.

 

It's a decision, not a feeling. It comes down to choice, not chance. It's up to me and no one else and I choose good.
 

I choose life and love and joy and gentleness and courage and constancy and I choose Him. I choose Jesus.

 

There will be days we don't feel like being holy, and there will be a time when we have to decide if that's enough. Is a fickle, fleeting feeling enough to draw me away from Love Itself?

 

And it's not a one time thing. It's something we ought to ask ourselves in the midst of every trial and temptation. I think if we phrased it to ourselves like that we'd sin a lot less frequently. Is a moment of pleasure worth an eternity of joy? Is this enough to exchange for the Lord of the Universe?

 

Hint: The answer is NO.

 

We all have a choice to make. We can choose apathy, and we can choose skepticism. We can choose the easy way out. But we can also choose Love. I know what I want. What about you?

 

Peace be with you.

Caitlin